


Buried In My Patchwork

by charcolor



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Amnesia, Bittersweet, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2020-09-24 20:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20364787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charcolor/pseuds/charcolor
Summary: After a traumatic incident leaves Lily living with amnesia, she grows determined to solve the mysteries surrounding the girl who disappeared from her memory.





	1. Questions Without Answers

**Author's Note:**

> this story is heavily inspired by hachi's songs "matryoshka" and "donut hole" aka the jams of the century
> 
> as for why this is a lily/ia story.....there is a funky arrange cover using them that i love with my whole heart. and also i wanna write about lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is, a short chapter bc i don't know how else to end it and also i want to publish this without ao3 decimating it bc i took too long. sowwy

<strike> _Of course, there was no one else around. The whole atmosphere was falling apart, with fading graffiti decorating the walls that hadn't yet crumbled._ </strike>

<strike> _Crumbling, like ■■■■ had been. Before now. Before being here, with ■■._</strike>

<strike> _"■■■■■■■■...it'll be okay now." She gently cradled her face as her cracked lips pressed against it. "We can stay here as long as you want to. We're safe here. You're safe here, okay?"_ </strike>

_ <strike>"I know. I love you." ■■■■ smiled and took ■■■■ hand. "Let's...go ■■■■■■■■."</strike>_

* * *

These days, Lily would sometimes wake up and take a while to remember where she was. It could take only one minute, but a few times it would take up to an hour. This was one of the better days where it only took her about three minutes. By then, though, there was no way she could remember what exactly she'd been dreaming about.

She _thought_ she'd seen that girl again, but it was hard to say. She'd been in her dreams quite a few times, and Lily remembered some of those even now. They were mostly vague, but she knew there was often kissing and flirting and other sorts of romance. 

Sometimes, she was sure, people who weren't real showed up in dreams. But the same person didn't show up every time, right? They had to be memories, or something like that.

Memories of...her girlfriend? Lily figured that if she remembered her friends being her friends, and her parents being her parents, she would almost certainly remember her girlfriend. But there was nothing. Not even a name.

Lily sighed and pressed her palm against her forehead. It almost gave her a migraine, trying to figure out who that girl was, if she was even real. There was something else, wasn't there?

Why did she have amnesia in the first place?

That was a much easier question to answer. Her parents knew, her friends knew. She thought a little about what one of them had told her the day before.

_"You're pretty damn lucky, Lily. You fell off a fuckin'...twenty-story building or something? And all you got is like, minor amnesia."_

_"Her skull was fractured, Cul. She was practically in a coma. And her leg's broken."_

_"Yeah, but still. They did surgery on it and patched her right up, didn't they?"_

If Lily asked Cul for a reminder about anything, she'd probably not be able to help being a little exasperated, especially since it was still morning. Late morning, sure, but Cul was a late sleeper. Gumi, on the other hand, was incredibly patient and willing to help however she could. Before her questions slipped away, Lily went right to her messages, and noticed a new, unread text from Gumi.

**hi lily,,, how are you doing?**

**i just woke up**

**uhhhhh i guess pretty well?? i haven't forgotten my name yet**

**do you need any reminders right now?**

**yeah kinda? i just remembered that cul said i fell off a building?? you know anything about that**

**???**

**i know a little bit,, i know you got your injury when you fell off some abandoned office building or something. i don't know exactly how**

**cul and i talked about it, we figured you were either trying to kill yourself for some reason or aria pushed you off**

**....who's aria again??**

There was no response after that.

Aria, Aria...the name was just an echo of something else that was missing. Lily knew that they had a connection, somehow. There were a lot of differently shaped holes in her memory, and the only missing piece that Lily knew for certain was Aria. She just didn't know where that piece fit.

She was a little frustrated at first that Gumi wasn't sending any more answers, but she realized that it was possible that Gumi didn't know the answer. Or, more likely, Gumi knew the answer, but couldn't figure out how to explain.

Lily's thoughts suddenly connected a coherent idea, which immediately grew into reprimanding herself for not realizing it sooner. Aria had to be in her phone contacts. If she could find her there, it would be easier to get an answer.

Lily backed out of her messages, found her way to her contact list, and started searching. The A section didn't include Aria's name, but considering Gumi was listed in Lily's phone as "carrot slut," it was entirely possible that Aria was listed under something else. In that case, it was a matter of process of elimination. She knew her other friends' names: Cul was "cul beans" and Miku was "minecraft." Her parents were "mommunism" and "stinky man."

In her current mental state, Lily had no idea what kind of mood she was in when she named her contacts.

Out of the contacts remaining, one name stuck out: "IA." The name was followed by a few heart symbols.

<strike></strike>Could it be...? "Ia" sounded pretty close to "Aria." Lily went back to her messages to see if she had any between her and Ia, but there was nothing.

<strike> _She gently cradled her face as her cracked lips pressed against it._ </strike>

<strike></strike>Could Ia have been the girl that appeared in her flashes of memory?

Lily called the number listed as Ia's in her phone, but of course it couldn't be that easy for once. There was no answer. Not even an answering machine. Apparently, Ia's voicemail was disabled or something. 

She considered sending a text message, but she figured that she couldn't really explain that she had almost no memory of her. If they had the sort of relationship that Lily suspected, Ia would text her soon enough. On the other hand, it was definitely odd that any messages between them had been deleted.

Odd and frightening.

But hope wasn't totally lost. Lily knew someone who'd been leader of the dance club in high school, who was good friends with plenty of people and who knew all sorts of information about them.

Lily stretched and slid out of bed, instinctively grabbing her crutch. As soft and comfy as her pajamas were, it was probably a good idea to shower and dress. Today, she was paying a visit to Miku Hatsune, and surely she'd start finding all her answers from there.


	2. Missing Face to the Missing Name

"Are you sure you don't want any tea?"

When Lily had arrived, Miku's immediate reaction was to lead her to the gray plush sofa, throw a crocheted blanket at her, and offer a cup of tea, since she was already brewing some. And Miku, being the overly nice hostess she was, asked again and again if Lily was absolutely positive.

"I'm pretty sure," Lily replied. Somehow, despite only having about half of her memories of Miku, she still found herself being patient and a little amused rather than frustrated. "I'm not a huge tea person, anyway. I really only drink it when I'm sick, but, well...I guess I could be remembering _that _wrong, too."

"Hm, well...does having a broken leg and amnesia count as being sick?" Miku tapped her cheek, her mouth puckered into an O shape. It was no doubt a habit of hers to really amplify how charming and cutesy she was. "I guess it kinda would, but it's not like tea would do anything about that, would it...?"

Miku only took another minute or two to take her cup of tea to the sofa to sit beside Lily, and placed it on the end table to let it cool. She smiled, a very welcoming and reassuring sight. "You just wanted to talk, right? I know we haven't really spent time together lately, so I can't really remind you of everything you don't remember, but I'll do my best!"

Lily found herself smiling too, and realized how familiar Miku's cheerful aura was. "Thanks a lot, Miku. I just wanted to ask you about...someone named Aria. You know her, right?"

"Oh, of course!" Miku immediately stood back up. "See, though, I don't know her very well. I haven't even talked with her for a pretty long time, I mostly just know her through..." She paused, and Lily thought she saw her smile fade for a split second, but it remained on her face as she clapped her hands together. "I know, I'll get my yearbook! It might help to see her face!"

Miku scurried down the hallway, and returned in seconds with a polished gray book in both hands. She sat back down beside Lily and gently placed the book on the coffee table, leaning in from her seat on the sofa. "Hm, okay, so...Aria was in our year, so we can skip right past the first-years and second-years. And her family name's Akasaka, so she'd be around there somewhere." She turned toward the end of the book and began to delicately turn pages. "Aria, Aria, Aria...ah, there she is! Take a look, Lily!"

Lily peered closer at where Miku's finger was pointing. The name _Akasaka Aria _was printed clearly underneath an image of--

<strike> _Her hair fell around her, a curtain weaved from pale pink lilies, lighter than the tint on her ■■■ cheeks. Her ■■■■■■■■■■■ eyes glimmered in their indigo hue._ </strike>

"I know her."

"Huh?" Miku lifted her finger back to her cheek as her eyes widened. "So you _do _remember Aria?"

Lily suddenly realized how blunt she'd sounded a moment ago, and cleared her throat, hoping to relieve some tension. "Well, not really...completely, I guess. I have...dreams about that girl sometimes, I don't know if they're actual memories or things that never happened. I don't even remember what the dreams really were, but I remember that I've...kissed her."

"Ah..." Miku averted her eyes and started biting the nail of her thumb.

"You would've known, right? If Aria was my girlfriend?"

Miku nodded.

"And she was, right?"

"I'm sorry!" Miku cried, then flinched at her own sudden stress. "Sorry, sorry, I...like I said, I didn't really know her all that well, so I didn't wanna overstep boundaries..."

"Oh, no! I'm not mad or anything!" Lily tried to smile, but maybe she was just gritting her teeth. "I just, um...having amnesia kinda makes me want to know things about myself."

Miku relaxed her shoulders, and reflected a much more natural smile. "There's...nothing bad in those memories, is there?"

Lily began to absentmindedly twirl some hair around her fingers. "I don't think so...what makes you say that?"

"Well, you know..." Miku bit her lip, and looked away again. "There's...in high school, especially just around the time you started dating, people spread lots of rumors 'cause everyone thought Aria was kind of...she acted weird, they said. And lots of people thought she was addicted to drugs, like serious stuff like cocaine, and she was trying to hide it. And they'd even sometimes say that she's killed people before." Miku quickly shook her head and slightly raised her hands in a subconscious defense. "I mean, I can't say I _believe_ those rumors about Aria, I don't _really_ think she'd be that way! But if you really don't remember anything about her...I thought maybe she really hurt you somehow. I just didn't wanna bring up anything like that, and since you realized who she is to you...I wanna make sure you're okay, Lily."

Lily glanced down at her jeans pocket, where her phone was tucked in. "You know...I really don't think it would've been like that either, but Gumi doesn't wanna tell me who Aria even is."

"Really?"

Lily tugged the phone out of her pocket and woke up her screen, just to double check that she hadn't gotten any alerts. "I texted her this morning, 'cause I forgot about the whole falling off a building thing and I wanted a reminder of it. And she told me that, and she said that I would've either been trying to kill myself or Aria would've pushed me off. But I asked her who Aria was and she suddenly left me on read."

Miku started to twirl one of her turquoise twin tails. "I'm guessing you don't know why you fell off the building either...?"

"'Course not. I don't remember why I would've been at an office building or whatever in the first place." Lily crossed her arms. "Honestly, I know I really have nothing to go off of, but...I don't feel like either of those things would've happened. I don't think my own girlfriend would want to do that, and I have no idea why I could've wanted to kill myself."

Miku nodded with a hum of agreement. "I don't think so either. Gumi doesn't like her all that much, you know."

"For real?" Lily didn't expect that to be true, but it would've made sense if it was the reason Gumi was paranoid about the incident. "Why not? Does she believe the rumors?"

"Maybe, maybe. I wouldn't be surprised. She always just said she didn't really trust her and stuff like that. She talked about being worried about you, but she never talked about Aria actually doing anything bad." Miku paused to reach for her cup of tea and take a sip. "But Gumi's still an honest person. I don't think she would've done anything to stop your romance, and I don't think she would lie about you about Aria, either. She probably really does think Aria might have pushed you. Maybe not necessarily on _purpose, _but then, I don't know if it's easy to just accidentally shove somebody off a building."

"I get it." Lily checked her messages again to see nothing new, but it did remind her of another question. "Aria doesn't...happen to go by Ia, does she?"

"Ia...?" Miku tapped her cheek. "I think she might...I think I've heard people call her that, before. Mostly you, actually."

"Right. That makes sense, then. 'Cause that's her name in my phone." Lily pulled her phone out of the pocket of her jeans and woke it up to navigate toward her evidence. "See, the freaky thing is...all my texts with her are gone."

"Huh?" Miku's hands flew to her mouth. "Every last one? You don't have anything?"

"Nothing. And I tried to call her this morning, too, but there was nothing. Not even voicemail, the automatic voice thing said it was disabled."

"Ohhhh..." Miku's gaze fell to the floor, and she got to her feet to begin slowly pacing back and forth. "Oh, that doesn't sound so good...I wondered if you could figure it out, but..."

"What?" Lily straightened up. "Figure it out?"

Miku paused her pacing and looked back at Lily. "Lily...do you know where Aria is?"

"Of course I don't," Lily answered. "Do you...?"

"No. No one knows where she is." Miku fell back to the sofa with a sigh. "You see...no one's seen her since you fell off that building."


	3. Almost Comforting

_Why didn't you tell me?_

She stuffed her free hand into the shallow pocket of her shorts, gripping onto the denim as she walked, repeating the question over and over in her head, not daring to forget to ask.

_Why didn't you tell me?_ _Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?_

She was so focused on it, she almost didn't realize she was already at Gumi's front door. She quickly knocked on the door, and in seconds it swung open.

"Oh, Lily!" Gumi flashed a timid smile. "I...didn't know you--"

Without waiting any longer to ask, Lily held her crutch with one hand and grabbed Gumi's wrist with the other, not waiting to release her thoughts. "Why didn't you tell me that Ia was missing?"

"Ia..." Gumi's eyes widened as she bit harshly down on her lip. After a moment of stunned staring, she stammered, "I...I'll tell you, just...let go of me, and...and come inside, please, it's too hot out to be standing out here like this..."

Lily nodded quickly and freed Gumi to follow her into the house. Fortunately, the living room was near the entrance, so Lily didn't have to shuffle around with her crutch for too long before dropping into an armchair.

"Gumi, Gumi..." Lily crossed her arms tightly around herself, realizing her heart was beating a little too fast and not wanting to think about why. "Why didn't you tell me? Where is she?"

"I don't know, Lily." Gumi didn't lift her gaze from the floor. "I really, really don't know. The last time I saw her...she was with you, on the road close to our high school."

"And where did you see her go?"

"I...I didn't. I didn't think to stay for long, Lily, I...I don't think either of you would've seen me, but I ran away anyway."

<strike>_"So...let's go to_ ████ ████████_ again, _████_...it's..._██████ _there."_</strike>

"You don't know _anything?" _Lily bit her lip and rocked a little back and forth in the chair. "So why did you ignore me when I asked about her? I know Aria's her real name, I know you know that too. And I know she's my girlfriend, and I know you know that too. What are you trying to _hide?"_

"I'm...I'm sorry..."

"Why? Just answer me, Gumi, it's not a hard question."

"I was scared."

"Scared of _what? _Of making me upset that my girlfriend is missing? I was gonna find out anyway!"

"No, no, not of that, not of you..." Gumi sighed. "I'm...afraid of Aria. I've always been scared of Aria."

Lily stayed quiet for a second and bit her lip again. Hadn't she heard something like that from Miku? Something about Gumi not liking Ia very much? Lily found it hard to imagine that she would have dated someone that intimidated Gumi, but of course, what reason did she really have not to believe it? What did she even really know?

Something else Miku had said about that, something else... "You heard those...things about her? Stuff about her being a crackhead serial killer or something...?"

"No, no!" Gumi's eyes widened for a moment as she quickly shook her head and leaned a bit forward. "It wasn't really anything I _heard _about her, really, it's...she's just always kind of been sort of _off, _you know? Not like she was on...crack, or whatever they said about her, just...a little too spacey, a little too..." Gumi leaned back again with a sigh. "I dunno, I dunno how to explain it..."

It would make sense that rumors like that would have started, then. But, of course, Lily had no idea how _she _would have reacted to any of it. "What was she like with _me, _then?"

"She..." Gumi paused, probably figuring out how to word her thoughts. "Something about her changed you, Lily."

"Changed me?" 

"The way you act now, and the way you talk--that's real and genuine, that's familiar, but with Ia...after you started dating, you did a lot of...impulsive things."

"Like...?"

"You sort of..." Gumi fidgeted with her spinner ring, keeping her gaze glued to it. "You started throwing consequences out the window, I guess...like you stopped caring about whether or not you'd go to jail or die or something horrible." She squirmed in her seat, and hunched up her shoulders. "Sorry, sorry, I'm not good at explaining it..."

"So, what, you're saying I went crazy?"

"I don't think that'd be the right word...maybe there was something about Ia that made you, like...obsessed with making her happy, I guess. But I wouldn't know what that would be." Gumi stopped fidgeting for a moment. "I think it's...I think she's definitely mentally ill and she hasn't gotten the help she needs. I-I don't mean to call her a _psychopath _or anything, but...the way she was so attached to you, just the way she acted...it felt like there were signs of something."

Lily nodded and crossed her arms. "I guess that would cause those kinda rumors. But what does that have to do with me? You know mental illness isn't contagious, right?"

"Of _course _I know that. _I'm_ mentally ill, you know." Gumi lowered her hand and briefly met Lily's eyes. "Actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of like Cul, but more extreme...Ia's symptoms, I mean."

It took Lily a second to remember who Cul was, and she immediately averted her eyes, feeling herself blush in embarrassment of not being familiar with her best friend's name.

"Huh? What's wrong?" From the corner of Lily's eye, she saw Gumi lean forward. "You remember Cul, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I do, but what...what do you mean about the symptoms thing? I know...there's _something _like that about Cul..."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Gumi exclaimed. "I should've been more clear. I just meant...Cul has borderline personality disorder. You know what that is, right?"

Lily scrunched up her shoulders. "Kiiiinda...?" It sounded familiar, at least. "Doesn't that...have something to do with attachment issues?"

"Well, there's a lot of symptoms. Like being overly sensitive and not knowing your sense of self. I think attachment issues is probably a part of it." Gumi rubbed the back of her neck. "Cul's symptoms aren't as extreme, like I said. But it's probably thanks to therapy and her medication. I can't help but feel like Aria didn't have either of those. Maybe she relied on you instead."

"Me? Really?" Lily almost laughed a bit. "There's no way I would be able to come close to substituting a therapist. I know I literally have amnesia, but I know I'm not good at comforting people or anything like that. I really can't see anyone relying on me to cope with their mental illness."

Gumi shrugged. "Well, it's just a thought. I never talked to Aria enough to know anything for sure. Have your parents told you about her at all?"

Now that she mentioned it, Lily didn't think her parents had mentioned anything to her at all about a girlfriend. Of course, her parents had been allowing her a lot of space, plus they were often too busy working to talk to her much outside of dinnertime, so it wasn't _that _unusual. 

"I guess I could ask," Lily said. "I don't feel like I would've kept it a secret, but, I mean..." She tapped her head with a halfhearted smirk. "What do I know?"

Gumi scrunched her eyebrows. "Lily..."

"What? It's true." Lily shrugged. "That's why I keep having to talk to you and Miku and Cul about this stuff. I guess it's good I didn't forget literally everything, like in the movies."

"Yeah..." Gumi slowly stood up and clasped her hands together loosely. "Can I...can I hug you...?"

It was strange. She looked like she had a reddish glow underneath her bronze cheeks.

"I guess...if you want to...?" Lily pulled herself to her feet with her crutch as well, to make it easier. "Why?"

Before she answered, Gumi rushed into Lily's arms. She felt very warm, and she was just short enough to tuck her head of emerald green hair under Lily's chin.

She sighed heavily, "I've just been so worried about you, Lily. I get headaches from it. I just wanted to be able to hug you, because it...it's kind of a security, to feel you close like this."

Lily didn't quite know how to comprehend this. She really hadn't thought about it, but it was obvious. Of course her friends would worry about her if she fell off a building, broke her leg, got amnesia, and lost her girlfriend. She hadn't had any reason to worry much about _her _friends lately, so she'd forgotten how this whole situation would make them feel.

"I'm sorry," she said, stroking Gumi's back with her free hand. "I should've thought about that...about how all this would make you feel."

"Don't be sorry. I'm just glad you're okay...all things considered, I mean." Gumi pulled away, keeping her hands on Lily's torso. "Do you want to stay for lunch? My parents are out of town, and Ryuto's at a friend's house--"

"Ryuto?"

"Oh, my brother, my little brother Ryuto, he's at a friend's house right now. So it's just us here. S-so we can..." She quickly pulled her hands away, suddenly averting her eyes. "We can just hang out for a while, if that's okay...?"

"Uh..." It couldn't really hurt to just wind down a little, could it? "Yeah, yeah, I guess I could use some time to just chill."

Gumi smiled, very sweetly, before heading to the kitchen. "Alright," she said as she walked, "just wait here, okay? I don't want you to put too much pressure on your leg or anything. I'm just gonna make us some sandwiches."

Lily reflected her smile and sat back in the chair. _She's so sweet...I guess I'm really lucky that I was able to be her friend even though she was scared of my girlfriend. _She'd had some doubt, but actually being with Gumi was good reassurance that she wouldn't lie about anything--

<strike> _ **SHE WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT ANYTHING. SHE WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT ANYTHING. SHE WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT ANYTHING. SHE WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT ANYTHING.** _ </strike>

"Lily?" Gumi poked her head out from the kitchen. "What was--are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry." Lily rubbed her forehead. "Just...I just got a headache."

"Oh, I can get you some Advil or something." Gumi took another few steps toward the living room. "Or just some water. Is it bad?"

"No, no, it's pretty much gone now, anyway." Lily grinned, hoping it would ease Gumi's worries. 

She knew what it was. It was a sudden blade of her memory, very briefly revealing itself. But whatever was lurking underneath was already gone.

Somehow, she was grateful that it had buried itself again.


	4. Nighttime Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: depiction + repeated discussion of self harm

"Ia...?"

She'd wandered from somewhere, somewhere that was blurred in her memory already and didn't matter. The cracked windows broke up the clouded sunlight that shone on the girl, allowing the streaks on her arms and legs to glisten red, and the blade in her hand glistened with them.

At the sound of her name, she spun around, and the knife fell with an echoing clang on the filthy tile floor. The blood still trickled as she stood, petrified.

"What...are you doing?"

Averting her eyes, she sputtered, "I-I, I was just...I was...I-I was, it was, it was...I was experimenting!" She grinned sweetly. "I wanted to use my blood to finger paint...if I bleed enough, I can really make a meaningful mark somewhere. Maybe I could even graffiti this room. What do you think?"

Was that right?

She wouldn't lie about anything.

_She wouldn't lie about anything._

Not even through those quivering tears.

"That sounds cool...maybe I could try--"

"No, no!" The girl looked up with widened, indigo eyes. "I'd rather you didn't, honeybee, I just...I don't like encouraging people to hurt themselves, you know? Even if it's just for art."

"Well, then, maybe you should..."

* * *

It was still dark when Lily jolted awake.

_Where's Ia? Where is she? Is this her house? Where is this? Why does my leg feel so weird?_

It took a while to reorient herself and glance at the LED clock on..._someone's _nightstand. According to the clock, it was almost three in the morning. As for what day it was, she still had no idea.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to investigate wherever this was. Lily turned and placed her hand on the mattress to help pull herself out of the bed--except her hand ended up on something much softer and warmer instead, and an incoherent murmur escaped from close by. 

_"Ah--!"_ She forced herself to cut her shriek short, and hurriedly pulled away. _I'm not alone!? Who is this? Where are we?_

The person next to her was already awake. They shifted a bit, and Lily could see a gleam in their eyes as they looked right at her, reflecting the faint light of the crescent moon through the window.

"Lily..? What...time is it...?"

The voice reminded Lily of everything, almost making her scold herself aloud for being so stupid. It was Gumi. She'd ended up spending the night at Gumi's house and sleeping in her bed. Gumi had helped her elevate her injured leg with a pillow that'd gone cold by now. It was strange, though. She still didn't remember Gumi ever getting into the bed with her.

"Sorry," she said, lying back down. "I, uh, I had a bad dream or something and I woke up and forgot where I was."

"A bad dream?" Gumi flinched, seeming more alert all of a sudden. "Do you need to talk about it?"

It would help to tell somebody, in case she needed to recall it later, but wasn't there a reason she didn't want to tell Gumi about it? 

"Would you be okay with that?" Lily asked.

"Of course, if you think it'll make you feel better." Gumi's shadow reached over somewhere, and light filled Lily's vision and blinded her for a second before she was able to focus on Gumi, her messy green hair now clear under the light of her lamp. "Tell me whatever you need to, okay?"

"Okay." Lily closed her eyes for a second, trying to retain the fleeting visions in her mind. "Ia was there. Like usual, I always have dreams about her. We were...I think in some building? Some old dilapidated kinda place. And she was cutting up her arms with a knife."

Gumi flinched at this, and seeing that, Lily had to pause and reflect on it. _Cutting up her arms, that's definitely what she was doing, cutting herself. She was cutting herself. But..._ "She said it was only so she could use her blood for experimental graffiti or something. And she _obviously _wasn't doing that, she was straight up self-harming. Not for art or whatever bullshit excuse. But of course, it was a _dream, _so I didn't think of that, I just said I could do it too. But she said she didn't want _me _to hurt myself, so I said..." Lily sighed. "I said _something _to her. I don't remember the rest."

Gumi slowly nodded, with wide green eyes. "That...that sounds really scary. That's not a memory, is it?"

It had felt so vivid, yet so blanketed in static. That's how memories were, right? 

"I think it might be," Lily responded, slowly sitting back up beside Gumi. "But that's weird, isn't it? I know I'm not stupid enough to just..._believe_ my girlfriend when she says she's not self harming and she's literally cutting up her body with a fucking knife."

Gumi cautiously reached to place her warm hand lightly over Lily's. "Well, Lily, it's...you remember what I told you? You changed after you started dating her. I don't know why, but it's like you stopped caring about consequences all of a sudden." She averted her eyes for just a second before looking back at Lily. "Do you have any idea what could have happened to make you act that way? Or anything Aria said that convinced you to stop caring?"

Something Ia had said...

_"What if we die today, then? What if we die and we lose any chance we ever had at anything? I don't want to die without doing everything I've wanted. It could happen any day now. Don't you feel that way?"_

"Live every day like it's your last," Lily murmured, without quite realizing it. "She wanted to do whatever she wanted because she thought every day really was her last."

_"I love you. I think...I think you've helped me start to figure out everything."_

"Something about identity..." Lily fell on her back with a sigh. "What do _I_ know about identity?"

Gumi lay back down as well. "I guess I understand. I _thought _there was something really wrong in her life that drove her to act so recklessly. If every day she thought she was going to die, what do you think could have happened to her? To make her think that way, I mean."

Some part of Lily was deathly afraid to know the answer. Not that she knew _why, _of course. 

"Lily?" Gumi grasped her hand again, a bit more firmly. "Did you think you were going to die every day, too?"

Of course, Lily didn't definitively know the answer, but she knew that she couldn't really imagine fearing for her life every day. It wasn't something she would have felt before. But the ringing of those words that Ia had said to her was becoming deafening. Why was Ia so afraid? What would Lily have done?

"I don't think so," Lily answered. "I think if I knew even a little of why she was afraid, I would have tried to protect her."

"Maybe that's why...maybe that's part of why you went along with all her impulses. Maybe you were just so desperate to make her happy."

Hadn't she heard that before? Was it Miku who told her that, or Gumi, or someone else? Or no one at all? Was it even true, that Lily wouldn't have ever tried even a little discouragement when she saw things like her nightmare?

"Maybe I thought she knew better than I did. Maybe..." Lily groaned. "I don't fucking know, I really don't. This doesn't make any sense."

Gumi reached her arm across the bed to hug Lily. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I just wish I could do more."

"You don't need to." Lily glanced back at the clock. Not much time had passed; it was only a few minutes past three in the morning. "I should be sorry for making you worry about this."

"I worry about it anyway, Lily."

Lily could believe that. She knew, at the very least, that Gumi was naturally a nervous and very empathetic person. It would probably be hard for her to go back to sleep.

Despite that, Lily tried reaching for the lamp to turn it off, but with Gumi in the way and her leg compromised, this just led to her hovering her arm over Gumi. Fortunately, Gumi understood without a word and turned the lamp off herself, letting Lily pull her arm back and rest it on the comforter.

"I wish I could do more, too." Lily closed her eyes as she spoke. "Even if there's people searching for Ia, I want to try to find her...but I have no idea where she'd be. Or why she's even missing. Did she run away?"

"I think that could be it." Gumi's voice softened, even more than it already had. "I don't know what it's like at home for her, but I...honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it's a toxic environment."

"Why'd she leave me behind, then?"

"I don't know. Maybe she thought you were dead when you fell off the building."

"But...wouldn't have someone told her? Wouldn't you have had a chance to tell her?"

"I guess that's true. No one's seen her at all since before it happened. She might've even disappeared _before _you got hurt."

Was that a possibility? Was it possible that Ia had never gone there with her? If that were true, then where were they in her memory? Was it even a memory at all?

How had they gotten there? How would they have gotten there?

* * *

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Huh? I'm fine, why?"_

_"You seem really quiet today."_

_"Oh, sorry, sorry! I've just been thinking a lot..."_

_"About what?"_

_"Oh...well...I've been thinking about yesterday, I guess, and how nice it was."_

_"Yeah, I think so too. It's 'cause you're cool and have a lot of cool ideas."_

_"Yeah, yeah, it...it made me really happy."_

_"It made me happy too...but is that it? Is there something about it you wanna talk about?"_

_"Honestly...spending time together like that was the most happy I've been in a really long time. And I don't have anything else i want to do today. I don't want to die without feeling like that again...s__o...let's go to that_ _building again, Lily__...it's...lovely_ _there."_

It was nine in the morning when the echo of the memory jolted her awake. Gumi was already sitting up beside her, and flinched at Lily's sudden rouse. "Lily? What's wrong? Did you have a bad dream again?"

Lily shook her head, not knowing or caring if it was a lie, then quickly said it before it vanished. "Tell me, Gumi, that building I fell off of...has anyone looked around in it since then?"


	5. Memory Lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: brief discussion/implication of sexual self harm

Gumi seemed to have her doubts about the idea. "I don't really think we'll find anything, Lily," she'd admitted. "I'm sure _someone _must have gone through the place. It's a big building, I think we'll just end up wasting time getting all the way to the top."

Despite that, Gumi was still a very good friend. To put Lily's mind at ease, she messaged Miku and Cul to ask if they wanted to come along to help explore. Both of them agreed to meet up with Lily and Gumi near their former high school, since they could find their way to the building from there.

Gumi paid the fare for her and Lily to take a bus down to the school. Unfortunately, there wasn't any route that went right to their actual destination--expected, considering it was an old abandoned office building, but still inconvenient given Lily's injury. Cul and Miku were waiting near the bus stop, with Miku mounted on a bicycle.

Something about being with her best friends made Lily suddenly feel very at ease, as if she'd finally received something she'd been yearning for after a long wait.

"I missed you," Lily sighed through a smile as she waved to them.

Miku giggled and twirled a loose piece of turquoise hair with her fingers. "I missed you, too!"

Cul crossed her arms. "Didn't she visit you, like, two days ago?" Despite her characteristic sarcastic tone, she still returned Lily's smile. "I missed you too. We need to, like...actually hang out again soon."

Miku nodded, then tilted her head. "So, are we ready to go now? I don't wanna leave my bike behind, so I'll just go really slow 'til we get there."

Lily glanced at Gumi, who only looked right back at her with nothing to add, so there was probably nothing else they had to take care of first. "Yeah, okay, let's go."

The girls then went on their way toward the building. Lily had a vague idea of what direction to go, but as usual, she didn't know enough to be helpful. Thankfully, Gumi and Cul knew where to go, so Lily and Miku followed close behind.

"Do you really think she'd just be...hiding in there?" Miku stopped her bike briefly to tug on one of the straps of her pink helmet. "It's been a few weeks, I think she would've left by now, right?"

"Nah, I wouldn't put it past her to stay." Cul rolled her eyes. "Considering the kinda batshit stuff she's done before, I don't think it's reaching to say she might just start living in an abandoned office building."

_"Cul!" _Gumi and Miku simultaneously glared at her, with Gumi quickly glancing over to Lily.

"Sorry...sorry, Lily." Cul met Lily's eyes as well. "I didn't mean anything bad by that, honest. I really think it's a possibility."

Lily nodded and just looked back to the path in front of her, walking with her crutches. "Don't sweat it. You know more than I do, anyway."

They continued onward in a slightly uncomfortable silence, until Miku cleared her throat and asked, without taking her feet off the pedals of her bike, "What's the plan, exactly? Like, um...the elevator's probably not gonna work. Are we gonna just go up and look around one floor at a time?"

"We could just yell Aria's name and see if she answers," Cul suggested.

Gumi shook her head. "I don't think she would. If she's in there, she's hiding for a reason, right? She wouldn't wanna...clue us in, you know?"

"She'd answer to Lily, though."

That could be true. Lily didn't know if Ia even talked to anyone besides her. "Sucks I'm the one with a broken leg," she mused. "We'd probably get there a lot quicker if I could ride my bike, too."

"Or if literally any of us could drive," Cul added. "But, also, I guess going off the road with a car would still be kinda tough."

The others nodded and murmured in vague agreement, and there wasn't much time to dwell on anything else before they came across the building. It looked about how anyone would expect; a tall, off-white building with rows of cracked windows and the edges worn down. There were splashes of coal black on the outside wall, as if fires had just brushed against it. Some rubble lay in a heap on one side of the building, near what looked like a growing pile of junk that couldn't be examined from this distance.

Something about it made Lily feel--

"It's weird that this thing's here, isn't it?" Cul took a few eager steps ahead. "It's not even near any roads."

Miku hummed in agreement. "It's really mysterious. Kinda like it's cursed. I think there used to be a road and more buildings here, but they got rid of it. Don't remember why."

Lily thought about that for a moment and pointed toward the building, specifically the black marks. "I think it had to do with a fire. Maybe a building near this one burned down, and they couldn't restore anything, so they just got rid of all of it. I don't know why they wouldn't get rid of this, though."

Gumi pushed up her glasses and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, that's probably it. I think there was some sort of apartment complex here, actually. But demolishing's expensive, so I guess they couldn't afford to get rid of this building."

"Hey, come on!" Cul was already near the entrance of the building, a wide doorway with one rusty metal door on the left side. "You guys done theorizing about this place?"

Lily couldn't be bothered by Cul's impatience. Gumi helped her move along a little quicker with her crutch by grabbing her hand, and the girls approached the entrance. Cul took a second to look up at how high the building stretched.

"This place's gotta have be at least fifteen stories," Cul grumbled. She lowered her head, but then quickly looked up at Lily with a halfhearted smile. "I guess we could--let's take it slow, 'kay?"

The first floor was dark and empty, as expected. Dust coated the tiled floor, with lots of those tiles pried out or smashed to pieces. There were a few folding chairs, some bent out of shape and others simply lopsided.

It felt a little too familiar.

"This was an office building?" Cul lightly kicked one of the chairs out of her way. "I guess this would've been a lobby. With folding chairs."

"We don't know if these were always here," Gumi pointed out.

"Yeah, probably not. All the other furniture's gone."

Miku pointed at a wall, and the other girls looked over to see her jogging to an elevator. She pushed a button. "I know it's broken," she said, before anyone could point it out to her. "Just wanna make sure, you know?"

Of course, the elevator did nothing. They had to suck it up and take the stairs. Gumi, Miku and Cul switched off every few floors helping Lily up the stairs.

Most of the floors we the same. Beat-up walls and floors, broken windows, sometimes a dusty piece of furniture on its side. As they ascended, they noticed more and more graffiti, and it grew more and more unsettlingly familiar.

"I think I know this," Lily said. "I think maybe we went up here to graffiti."

"We?" Gumi, who was currently leading the group, turned her head. "You mean you and Aria?"

"Yeah, yeah, me and Ia." Lily felt that familiarity grow and tell her little things, things she was sure had to have happened even if she couldn't completely remember. "Just for fun, but maybe to cope...something like that."

Around the seventh floor, the suspicion was confirmed. In hot pink spray paint, a heart with "LILY + IA" was written on the wall. It was honestly a little embarrassing, and no one seemed to miss Lily's immediate blushing.

"I think it's cute," Miku reassured her with a small smile.

Gumi nodded, but was biting her lip, as if she had a thought that could hurt one of their feelings. Lily decided not to pressure her. It probably had something to do with her being afraid of Ia.

Cul kneeled down to pick up something. "You said you were doing graffiti to cope with something?"

"Ia was," Lily clarified. "I don't know about me." She stretched her neck to try to get a look at Cul's hands. "What'd you find?"

"A condom."

Everyone shrieked and flinched away as Cul got back up to her feet and turned back to them.

_"Relax," _she said, holding up the small package. "It's not open."

Gumi and Miku's eyes were still wide open, and they turned to gape at Lily.

"Did you have _sex _in here?" Gumi demanded.

Lily's first reaction was to hold up her free hand defensively and respond, "I don't _know! _I still have amnesia, you know!"

But--

_Her hair fell around her, a curtain weaved from pale pink lilies, lighter than the tint on her red cheeks. Her tear-filled eyes glimmered in their indigo hue._

_"You don't want to do this, do you?" Lily asked._

_Ia quickly shook her head. "No, no, I--I do!"_

_She wouldn't lie about anything, but even so, Lily couldn't bring herself to go through with it._

_"I'm sorry," Lily said, reaching down for her hastily discarded clothes. "I don't want to do this anymore."_

_"Why not? Are you sure? What if we never get another chance?"_

_"Ia, this is...I'm sorry, I don't want to. If we can do it tomorrow, maybe we'll do that. There's a million other things we can do today."_

"I think at one point we were going to," Lily recalled softly. "But...I changed my mind 'cause I felt like maybe she was lying about wanting to do it."

Gumi raised a hand to her mouth with a small gasp, immediately getting Miku's attention. She grabbed Gumi's arm and asked, "What's wrong, Gumi?"

Gumi relaxed her shoulder and gently tugged her arm away. "It's nothing, sorry, it just...makes me nervous when I hear things like that."

The idea of Ia trying to force herself into sex she didn't want...no matter the reason for that, it definitely frightened Lily, too.

About two floors later, Gumi spotted a metal bat near one of the shattered windows. There was a lot of glass shards on the floor, so Cul volunteered to examine it, since she was the only one besides Lily wearing closed-toed shoes.

"I guess we can never be too careful," Cul said, resting the bat against her free hand as she returned to the stairs. "Lily, does this look familiar to you at all?"

It did look a little familiar.

_"These are all broken anyway." She swung it again, and heard another shatter of glass explode from the impact. "What did you want to put inside, again?"_

_"I still don't know. Maybe flowers would look nice against all the...the wires, and stuff."_

"We fucked around and broke TVs sometimes," Lily concluded. "I mean, we broke the screens. I think they were all old and broken anyway. Like those TVs where you had to turn a dial to change the channel, or something."

Cul raised her eyebrows as she examined the bat more closely. "Where'd you get _those?"_

"They might've already been left here," Lily guessed. "I think Ia found most of them. I don't know where. Maybe she just had a stash for some reason."

On the next floor, Lily caught a faint, disgusting scent. Some sort of amalgamation of every gross scent she could think of--shit, piss, vomit, all mixed up into some pungent odor.

Everyone else also noticed it, apparently, as they all wrinkled their noses and took a step back. Lily took a look at the current floor they were on. It was even more dilapidated than most other floors--there were holes in the walls that went all the way through to outside, holes in the floor that led to the floor below, every single window was broken, the graffiti seemed to be more faded and indistinguishable, and--

_"Can you breathe? It's okay, it's okay...it's just me. We're safe, no one's going to hurt us."_

_She blinked the tears away, and found herself looking right into Ia's calming gaze. _

_"Are you okay?" Lily asked, her voice coming out weak._

_"Yes, I'm fine. Are you okay? Do you need to talk?"_

_Lily took another deep breath, and tried to remember what led her here. Ia hadn't been answering her phone, so she tried to find her at her house. But on the way there, she was struck with some sort of terror. For no reason, as far as she could tell, her heart had started pounding violently, the edges of her vision blurred and darkened..._

_She'd felt so weak all of a sudden, she remembered. This place was the first safe place she could think of, and she was just able to make it this far before falling completely apart. She couldn't even remember what happened through the clouds of her panic._

_She was lucky that Ia had been here._

_"I'm sorry," Lily muttered. "That's really embarrassing, that I just had a huge panic attack."_

_"You didn't do anything wrong. We're alone, we're safe."_

_Of course, there was no one else around. The whole atmosphere was falling apart, with fading graffiti decorating the walls that hadn't yet crumbled._

_Crumbling, like Lily had been. Before now. Before being here, with Ia._

_"Honeybee...it'll be okay now." She gently cradled her face as her cracked lips pressed against it. "We can stay here as long as you want to. We're safe here. You're safe here, okay?"_

_ "I know. I love you." Lily smiled and took Ia's hand. "Let's...go upstairs."_

"Lily? What's wrong?" Someone grabbed her hand. 

Lily rubbed a moisture out of her eyes and looked back at Gumi, her own eyes wide again with concern.

"It's nothing," Lily answered, her voice slightly trembling for some reason. "I just had, like...another memory come around. I don't know if it means anything, though."

"Are you sure?" Cul tugged the collar of her shirt. "Was it about Aria?"

"Yeah, just...she was helping me get over a panic attack. I think...I think we went up to the top floor together."

Lily realized the implications the moment her friends exchanged an alarmed glance, and she really didn't like it.

"Let's keep going," Miku murmured, brushing some strands of turquoise hair out of her face with a shaky hand. "We might find out something important. Even--even if it's..."

The revolting scent continued to grow stronger. Cul pulled the collar of her shirt over her nose, prompting everyone else to try the same. Poor Miku was wearing a camisole; no one objected to keeping her in the back of the group, helping Lily walk the rest of the way. 

When the smell couldn't possibly get any stronger, Gumi pointed at a spot on the floor close to the stairwell. It was a small dried splatter of dark red. Lily looked up to see a hole in the ceiling, directly above the stain. 

They didn't stop for long to wonder. They continued to the next floor, the one just below the rooftop, and finally, the quiet terror that had been building up seemed to make Lily's heart stop.

Most of her body had already decayed.


	6. Lost and Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: heavy talk of suicide/self-hatred, brief discussion of child abuse/CSA, depiction of self harm

_My name is Aria Akasaka. I'm 18 years old, and when you read this, I should be dead._

_I knew I was going to die soon, but I didn't think it would be like this at all. I think I should explain myself before I go through with taking my own life._

_I feel like the proper thing to do would be to explain who I am, but that's the first problem. I don't think I ever knew who I was._

* * *

Lily didn't remember anything after they'd found her body.

Apparently, Miku had fainted, Gumi vomited and nearly fainted as well, and Cul, barely stable, called the emergency number to report it. Cul told Lily later that she'd seemed to go into an extremely dissociative state when finding the body.

"How are you feeling now?" she'd asked, after having carefully escorted everyone back downstairs. "I mean--I mean, in comparison, physically. I know that this is..."

Lily hadn't bothered to respond.

Her amnesia had shifted now. She could remember everything that she had remembered before the incident, but after finding her body, she felt like parts of time were taken away from her. She had no idea how long it'd been at this point.

The suicide note, scrawled in small but readable print on a page of Ia's sketchbook, had been taken by the authorities, along with the kitchen knife stuck in what was left of her stomach. It had something to do with analyzing the handwriting and the DNA left over to ensure it wasn't fabricated, and definitively rule Ia's death as a suicide.

What would Lily rather it be? Would she rather Ia took her own life out of utter despair, or someone else forced her away from a happy ending? Whatever the case, Lily hadn't protected her enough.

Lily had failed.

* * *

_I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I think it might be repressed memories. My parents...hurt me. I can't bring myself to hate them, only fear them. I don't know if I want to go into too much more detail, but it got to the point where every day I wondered if they would finally just rape and kill me._

_And I think, since they didn't love me, I was desperate to get that love from others. As far back as I can remember, I decided to try to act the perfect way for someone to care about me. And when that failed, when they left me behind, I clung to someone who would care about me and acted right for them. And that repeated, for years. I'd be covering up my old personality with a brand new one. _

_I realized it eventually, and I thought it was like a matryoshka doll, but a matryoshka doll can be opened again and again until you find the last doll in its core. But I'm not like that. I'd sew my new doll shut over the old one, over and over again, and whoever I used to be, whoever I really am as a person, is buried in my patchwork._

* * *

Gumi slowly chewed on a mouthful of bread. It didn't taste like anything, and she wasn't very hungry at all, but Miku had insisted she have something to eat while she and Cul were visiting.

She wished Lily were here with them. She wished it could be easy for things to go back to the way they were before, for them all to be together as friends and talk over snacks. She wished she could have been better somehow, and maybe she could have changed this.

"Did you read it, Gumi?" Cul asked, idly picking the crust off her bread. "Her note, I mean."

Gumi shook her head.

"I don't blame you," Cul sighed. "It's...I guess, at least I know what really happened. I just wish I knew before it was too late."

Gumi swallowed her bland bread, then murmured, "I could have been her friend." 

Miku didn't say anything. She simply sat in her chair, picking off pieces of the bread of her sandwich and gently placing them in her mouth. She glanced up at Gumi for a second, and Gumi could see the dark circles starting to grow under her eyes, before she looked back down without a word.

"I really thought she was hurting Lily," Gumi confessed. "I thought that's why Lily acted like that with her, that's why Aria was so off all the time..." She almost choked then, and smiled as she felt tears return to her eyes. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

* * *

_I met Lily Masuda last year._

_In second year, we were in the same class, but we didn't talk much at first. She was busy being friends with Gumi and Cul, because they were in our class too, but she was still nice to me. And I ended up adapting myself to be likable to her, too. And it worked. She liked me, she talked to me more, we became friends._

_Do you think that's evil of me? I couldn't tell you if you were right or wrong._

_Lily stayed, longer than I thought she would. And then, soon after our third year started she told me she fell in love with me._

_And I thought, what a fool she is, and then I told her I love her too._

* * *

**hey,, lily?**

**how are you doing?**

**fine**

**how are you gumi**

**i'm fine,,,**

**do you need anything? i can come over if you want**

**no**

**ok**

**have you eaten today?**

**i'm not hungry**

**but don't worry about it**

**why not?**

**what do you mean**

**why shouldn't i worry about you?**

**please don't ignore me**

**i'm sorry,,,,,**

**please try to eat something though okay?**

**i'm sorry**

* * *

_I think the problem was that Lily was helping me. I don't know if she realized it, because she didn't seem to realize what my parents had done to me. I made sure never to invite her over to my home, only the place where my home used to be._

_I lived in that apartment complex that was on fire all those years ago. I wasn't hurt, but we had to move somewhere. We ended up in a shitty house with plumbing issues every week or so and electricity always cutting out. I was grateful, as they wanted me to be, that my parents could afford to keep me at school._

_But my high school was near where my home used to be. That's how I knew about this office building. I guess they couldn't afford to completely demolish it or the road near it, so they gave it to nature to destroy instead._

_It was a slow and beautiful destruction, and it was where I could feel safe for once. And when I shared it with Lily, I finally felt like I could start to escape from my patchwork and find out what really made me happy, what really made me human._

_Lily really, truly loved me. That was what I'd been missing. And today we were so close. We were on the rooftop together, she sang, I danced. I felt that sense of belonging I wanted. Being in love, being a part of music and art and love, showing the whole world all of it...I think I could have done that._

_But I was clumsy._

* * *

**hi lily!! it's miku!! **

**do you wanna come over today??**

**no sorry**

**i want to be alone**

**ok!! i understand!!**

**how are you doing though**

**good!!!!!**

**...are you sure?**

**...sorry. i don't mean to be negative but you don't have to pretend to be happy for my sake.**

**or anyone's sake**

**we both know this is fucked up. we both know this wasn't supposed to happen.** ****

**lily**

**just don't worry about me** ****

**it'll only make you miserable.**

* * *

_I don't know. It happened fast. I think I made a misstep that threw me off so much I tripped. Or some rubble was left over on the roof that I didn't see. You see, this building's rooftop wasn't built for people to stand on. I thought it would be fun, I'm so fucking childishly stupidly immature, I know, I thought it would be fun to make a makeshift ladder up through the hole in the roof. It's thrown together from branches and string, but as I'm writing this, it works. You could climb up to the roof yourself and look around, but there's really nothing to see. That's how you'd know people weren't meant to be there. _

_There's no fencing there._

_I want to call her a fool, I wish I had told her, but I'd shut out everything around me for too long to see anything past the fantasy of dancing love I was living in. I don't know, I don't know. She was standing there, I don't know why. _ _It was an accident. I stumbled right into her. _ _I wish I hadn't regained my balance after that. I wish I was still lost, still ignorant, still holding her hand. _

_I wish it'd been me._

* * *

"Gumi."

She jumped at the sudden voice. She knew she was home alone, and she hadn't heard anyone open the door--but, of course, she realized, her own thoughts and the blood pulsing in her ears were too loud.

Before she could even drop the knife, Cul grabbed it from her as she held her crimson glare.

"What good do you think this'll do?" Cul demanded, her voice quiet but firm, and her knuckles paling as she gripped the knife's handle.

Gumi tried her best to smile. "It's what I deserve, isn't it?"

"Oh, fuck off with that." Cul narrowed her eyes. "Do you really think we need anyone else trying to kill themselves right now?"

"I wasn't trying to _kill _myself." Gumi quickly glanced at the cuts on her wrists, the fresh blood still bright on her bronze skin. "I wouldn't say I don't want to die, though."

"What, because you don't want to deal with Lily?"

Gumi lowered her eyes to the floor, and felt her shoulders tense and her jaw clench.

"I'd say that'd be running away from your actions, but Gumi, you didn't even do anything."

"That's the problem," Gumi responded coldly. "I let this happen. Instead of being her friend. Instead of trying to understand. Just hoping Lily would break up with her because I--"

No. No one was supposed to know that.

But Cul was clever. She knew now. She let a sad smile show through her face.

"And now you think you're the monster, huh?" Cul let the knife dangle behind her back, by her thighs, exposed from her shorts. "You didn't do anything. What do you honestly think you could have done to stop Aria? There's nothing any of us could have done. She did what she did all on her own terms."

Despite this, she didn't make any effort to stop the blade of the knife, still decorated with Gumi's blood, from grazing against her skin.

* * *

_Do Lily's friends talk about me? I don't want them to think she was trying to kill herself. I want them to know I hurt her._

_I don't know if Lily's still alive. I hope she is. It'd be a miracle, for her to fall that much and keep going. That doesn't sound like something I could do at all. If I were ever an angel, I've run in circles hurting myself too much by now to have any of that purity left._

_Maybe that's who's really buried in my patchwork. A demon that can only hurt, even if she tries to love. _

_In any case, that's what was the last straw for me. Hurting Lily that badly, I can't live with that. Maybe I'm the fool, but isn't that just another reason that I should be dead? Not just to escape the death waiting for me every day when I wake up, every day when I hear them shouting at me, and every day when they give me more pain, because I don't think someone like me could ever escape a painful end, like this or like that. If I'm not evil, they'll wrap me in it, and when everyone knows what I did to Lily, they'll paint the word all over me, and I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I'd become then, but I want to kill it before it's born._

_Wouldn't you rather have it this way? Wouldn't you rather I die a young, foolish girl than live on as a demon coated in the blood of her lover?_

* * *

"Lily...Lily, are you in there?"

Every second of silence was full of fear, but it couldn't build up for too long. She heard heavy footsteps, and a head of tangled up blonde hair appeared in the doorway.

She didn't greet Gumi like she usually did. She didn't even meet her eyes. "I said I wanted to be alone."

"I'm sorry."

Lily's eyes widened a little, and Gumi realized too late that her wrists were showing. She moved to hide them, but Lily swiftly grabbed one.

Something about that made Gumi smile, and something about that made her start to choke again.

"What is it?" Lily asked, her voice a bit firmer, a bit more alive.

Gumi's wrist easily slid from Lily's grip as she fell to her knees, softly, bitterly giggling, "Lily, all of this...this is all _my _fault!"

* * *

_If Lily's blessed enough to still be alive, maybe someone will read this and tell her the truth that I can tell about me. But please, I want her to know this..._

* * *

Lily held her, ignoring her cries insisting that she didn't want pity, she didn't want forgiveness, she should have been dead instead, she was an evil, evil monster who never showed kindness to Ia.

"I'm sorry--"

"It's not your fault, Lily! I'm the one who--I--"

And Lily couldn't hide her tears either. She knew she hadn't done anything wrong, and simultaneously, she knew it was her fault. And she could never again hear her voice or her laugh or see her smile or feel her embrace or taste her lips, or live in the warm safety that only she gave.

But...

* * *

_This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. We would only have lasted so long before I was killed, much more painfully. _

_I have to take that power away from them somehow. I'm the only one at fault here. I made this decision. I took this selfish path. Your path is so bright and hopeful and branches off far away from my own. Please, please, please, honeybee, stay on that path, and don't look back and try to follow mine._

_Thank you for everything you gifted me. I hope someone can give you the same kind of love and joy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not to be an Evil Anti-Pedophilia Anti-Rape And Anti-Incest but the vocaloid tag has been a fuckin mess lately huh. i guess this story isn't much better in terms of quality but at least i'm not a freak


	7. Final Flowers

Today, January twenty-seventh, would have been Ia's nineteenth birthday.

Lily visited her grave sometimes. She remembered Ia liking azaleas, so she brought those sometimes as a gift. Sometimes, she brought a box of chocolates with her instead and ate them alone.

"You like white chocolate, don't you?" she'd ask, then she'd bite into it and add "it's not my favorite" before finishing off the piece of candy. She took the empty box with her when leaving the cemetery.

She'd never really shared a box of chocolates with Ia. It was sad. They never got to just be normal romantics.

Today, Lily brought the azaleas. The ones she'd left on her last visit were gone, probably carried by the wind and wilted to nothing. She knelt down to place the flowers in front of the headstone, and softly said, "Happy birthday."

She didn't stay for long. She said a few more words, telling Ia that nothing interesting was really going on lately, except she'd been feeling a little bit lonely, and maybe she'd pick up some birthday treats later to celebrate.

Lily bid farewell and turned to leave back the way she came. She knew her way through the cemetery by now, so she didn't bother looking up from her feet until she heard a familiar little gasp ahead of her. Then, she froze and looked up.

"Gumi?"

Gumi blinked and adjusted her glasses. She bit her lip and said nothing.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked. "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

Gumi swallowed something, probably just her own breath, and answered. "Not today. I have it off. But it's...it's her birthday, isn't it?"

Lily turned her head, casting a glance at the grave she'd just left, still adorned with pink and white azaleas. Looking back at Gumi, she realized what she was clutching close to her. A small bouquet of flowers.

"It is," Lily confirmed. "Her nineteenth birthday."

Gumi nodded, and lifted the flowers a little, as if preparing to present them. "Do you know about the language of flowers, Lily?"

Lily, being named after a flower, liked to learn about flowers. She was no expert, but she knew some basic flower meanings. "Of course I do. Is that what those flowers are for?"

Gumi nodded and held them out so Lily could get a better look as she described the bouquet.

"Bluebells, white chrysanthemums, and sweet peas. Thank you, we miss you, goodbye."

White chrysanthemums were given to Ia at her funeral, too. Gumi hadn't been there. Not that Lily blamed her at all; being at a funeral honestly sucked what little joy she had left right out of her.

"What were the flowers you gave to her?" Gumi asked, pointing in the direction of the grave.

Lily looked back again. The flowers still rested there. "Azaleas. Pink and white ones. They're her favorites."

"Hm...they were? Those are patience and modesty." Gumi smiled, a usually lovely sight that was laced with sorrow. "Something else I never knew about her."

It had been six months, and things were restored somewhat to normalcy now. Lily hadn't struggled with amnesia since summer, and she and her friends hung out together again. But it still felt like they were pretending to be okay.

Even now, that heavy cloud of guilt was blanketing Gumi. Lily could see it suffocating her from the inside.

"Sorry..." Gumi shook her head and sighed. "It's not about me."

Without thinking, Lily grabbed her arm, gently, as to not disturb the flowers.

"It doesn't have to be _about _you. I still care. I still want you to be happy. I still want you to realize none of this was your fault."

"I care about you too. I..." Gumi swallowed nothing again. "I just don't want to make you worry about me."

"Megumi."

Gumi flinched, and Lily tightened her hold, not waiting for any prompt to continue.

"What do you think would've happened if she was a little more willing to ask for help? What do you think would've happened if she told anyone why she was suffering? What do you think would've happened if she let herself be a little more selfish, if she let herself be cared about?"

Gumi lowered her widened gaze to the ground as Lily answered for her.

"We'd be celebrating her birthday with her today."

Gumi nodded slowly. Lily walked back to the grave with her in silence, and Gumi knelt down to place her bouquet with the azaleas. She whispered something that Lily couldn't quite make out and got back to her feet. A lone flower still rested between her fingers. She turned back to Lily and handed it to her.

A bluebell.

Lily took it tentatively into her own hands. "I just don't want you to think you don't deserve being cared about," she said softly. "You're a good person, Gumi. It doesn't matter if whatever you feel is worse than whatever someone else feels, you can still ask for help."

Gumi murmured something, and her eyes seemed to shimmer.

They held hands and walked out of the cemetery, with Gumi softly speaking through tears. Her regrets, her guilt and shame, the times she'd wondered if she should just kill herself and end her own self-pity. And Lily listened. She knew now more than ever, she had to listen. 

She treasured Gumi too much not to listen. And Gumi treasured her too much not to trust her.

From the distance, by the newly gifted flowers, a fallen angel watched them. She was invisible to them, but she hoped they felt her gratitude somehow.

Ia knew Gumi had feared her. And she didn't blame her for that. Ia knew she'd been very eccentric, very desperate to live through anything and everything while she had the chance. She knew, in a way, she hurt Lily, by not thinking enough about how their relationship would affect her friendships, and by abandoning her in the vacant office building. She was grateful that they both forgave her.

But did she really deserve that forgiveness? Ia was nothing but a coward, after all. It was like Lily had said: if she had been willing to be a little more selfish, she would not only still be alive, but she'd be happy and safe.

Whatever the case, it didn't matter much to Ia. She cared about Lily and her happiness. Ia couldn't ponder how much happiness she truly could have given her. It was most important to ensure Lily could still be happy, despite everything.

And she had Gumi now. Gumi would be giving her that happiness, maybe more than Ia could ever give. 

"Thank you," she whispered, knowing full well that no one could hear her. "Make her happy for me, okay?"

And with that, she closed her eyes, finally happy, finally at rest, finally free from her patchwork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is lackluster. i kinda hurried to try to push down all the abhorrent shit in the vocaloid tag. i hope you like it.


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